Note To Self: Robin, may you never subscribe to the notion fake it until you make it. For you, there is nothing healthy in faking it. May you always dig deep until you are to build a foundation on which you can stand. And once that foundation is built, may you be able to tell your true story. The story that God has written for you.
Let’s be honest a lot of people subscribe to the notion “fake it, until you make it.” If we want to be really honest, I have tried to fake it until I made it, but it just didn’t work for me. If anything, it made me feel more ill because there is something to be said when you are trying to mask deep things like, depression, anxiety, pain, guilt, betrayal, and loneliness; for examples. When you try to hide those things, they just seep further into your spirit making you worse off than before. The truth of the matter is that we must muster up the strength to look at our pain, our grief, our sadness, or our low self-esteem in the face and say you cannot have me anymore. I must reclaim my life.
And that is exactly what I did. Their was a period in my late teens/ early twenties where I just couldn’t take the exhaustion of my ill feelings any longer. Something on my heart was calling to me and I as began to listen, I could hear God whispering my name; Robin. He was calling me near to Him. I had once had a relationship with God. I lost it when I became sexually active at the age of 13. But it was not just the one sexual act that clouded our relationship, I became very sexually active. My need to fill whatever void I was trying to fill with sex and negative attention from young boys, impaired my vision to see God. However, God is an ever present God and although I was too blind to see him and too deaf to hear him; He had never forsaken me. So, as I began to desire to release the shackles that I had inflicted upon myself, my ears and my eyes began to open. I purchased my own bible in 2006, I was 20. In February 2007, I had taken the steps to get baptized. That is when I officially begin my walk with God as a young adult. It was a step I was and still am proud of until this day, but I was lacking in knowledge of my Lord and Savior. In addition, I had almost 10 years of living lost behind me. As a result, I continued to backslide and became pregnant with my beautiful daughter about six months later. I had just turned 21.
But God still had not given up on me. Here I am, 11 years later. Writing this blog to let you know about my journey. From the age of 21 until now, it has been the most crucial part of my healing. In the earlier stages of my daughter’s life, my depression was so bad that I contemplated suicide again. I had let God get away from me again. By the time my daughter was six months old, I enrolled into college and I believe that school gave my life meaning. My daughter gave me purpose. With meaning and purpose on my side, I began to fight those feelings of depression. There were some days I didn’t want to go to school. There were other days, I was too mentally drained to even do my school work, but I wanted to succeed. I wanted to shake my ill feelings, so I fought with all I had at the time. Little by little, I began to feel better. I began to find my God again.
It has not been easy. It has truly been a process. In the beginning, I was up today and down tomorrow. Then it became up this week, down next week. The goal is to get the stretches of illness further and further a part, until the illness is gone; In order for you to enjoy your life, free of pain, anxiety, depression, or unworthiness.
You better Faith it ‘til you make it…
This is part of my story, part of my journey, part of my truth. I have looked deep down on the inside of me to remove the things that are unclean; to remove the things not of God. This is the part where you cannot pretend. You have to acknowledge those things that which hurt you and bring you pain. In addition, as my favorite person Sarah Jakes Roberts says in her podcast, “God cannot bless who you pretend to be.” I would like to also add that He cannot heal that person either. So, let’s start healing way down on the inside.
I would like to make a suggestion. After reading this blog post, please download Women Evolve TV owned by Sarah Jakes Roberts. She is also the owner of the Women Evolve Podcast and Sarah just held her first Women Evolve Conference titled, “Wild Woman.” Women Evolve TV is reasonably priced at $5/month; it is a great investment into your healing. Please watch the whole conference, but this particular post goes hand and hand with the breakout session entitled, “Releasing Shame.” Please check it out. You will be so grateful to God that you did! If $5 is a stretch at this time, I am including the opening session of the conference and a YouTube video entitled Taking Form by Sarah.
Peace and Blessings,
*If you feel you are need of speaking with a professional, I encourage you to do so.**